New Partner, Same behaviors
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New Partner, Same behaviors 〰️
Familiarity.
We tend to gravitate toward things, people, places, and situations that are familiar to us. If we are familiar with something, it gives us a feeling of safety and security because we know how to navigate or deal with the familiar. It’s predictable, it’s expected, and we have a sense of “knowing”. And if it’s one thing that we don’t like, it is the unknown. The unfamiliar makes us feel unsafe, at risk, and can signal to our brain that we are in danger. It can also activate the fight/flight system. This behavior is rooted in the familiarity bias “a particular type of cognitive bias that occurs when people prefer the familiar to the unfamiliar”. We prefer the familiar because it makes us feel safe and it’s predictable.
So, you might be asking. Why do I attract partners who are not good for me? They are toxic, liars, cheaters, etc. How could these behaviors make me feel safe?
Your partner’s behaviors may not bring feelings of safety and security, but your brain has adapted to certain types of partners and experiences, so it signals safe in the sense of familiarity. It is not the unknown. You are prepared.
A different type of partner will be something new for you, a change, something you aren’t used to. It may feel risky, exciting, and you won’t know what to expect.
You may feel unprepared for the unknown and some people become afraid and go back to what they are used to even if what they are used to isn’t good for them. This is usually what happens when someone is dating a seemingly healthy person then decide to go back to a toxic ex. It’s familiar and it’s safer than the unknown even if it’s likely that our ex will hurt us again.
This also explains the phenomenon imprinting (another post for another day). We tend to date or marry partners with similar characteristics as our parents. (Yes, it starts from childhood. Our brain really likes familiarity! )
There are other explanations for why we choose the same type of partners. Interested in learning more? Comment below!
Author: Courtney Prudhomme, MA,LPC-S